Monday, 22 December 2014

Nigel Swift hides in bushes?!

Since I have infact been found out to actually BE Nigel swift, and also run the Heritage Action blog, I am disgusted to find that someone has spotted me hiding in the bushes...

I was only observing the Archaeological process!  Honestly!  I had my trousers on and everything!

Anyway, how dare you!  Do you know who I am? I can sit in any bush I like.

Especially those really warm ones outside schools.

Thursday, 18 December 2014

Merry Christmas to my fellow archealoologists!

Especially, you Donna Yates.

And of course, a happy New year...

...Unless you're a Metal Detectorist.  You can stay out in the cold, whilst I quaf Mince pies, rubbing myself with French odour that Mrs Barford will no doubt buy me again.  Along with socks and pants that have a picture of metal detecting with a big cross through it.  I love them.

Stay out there in the cold, like the disgusting creatures you are.  There will be NO festive cheer for you sad, pathetic losers.  How dare you!

Take a good look at this behavior!  It's people like these who are a burden on the taxpayers pocket.  Not that I pay tax.  That's why I moved to Poland.  Why should I pay tax!?  I'm rich!  Tax is for the underclass.  Stay out there in the cold, in the swill like the pigs you are!

Next year...will be my year.  THIS will be the year that archahahly man will serve his justice.  THIS will be the year that I finally pass that archaelelogy degree!  THIS will be the year that I destroy the PAS and metal detecting once and for all.

Pass me a towel, Nigel.  I'm getting rather moist.

Monday, 10 November 2014


Fascist Barford!?  PAH!

And neither is Nigel Swift!

(Please don't mention the fact we are actually the same person)

Some foolish creature, probably a dirty un-educated metal detectorist, has said this on one of my other blogs:

This article is written under the paradigm of intellectual superiority or elevated legitimacy of officialdom over the freedom of people to collect artefacts from the land in which they live. Your attitude is by definition a fascist approach to the views and freedoms of others and I’m sure would be laughable to the average Celt/Saxon/Briton although you might have enjoyed support from a few Romans – Caligula, Nero or similar egomaniac! 
fascism: Noun ……………………. authoritarian, or intolerant views or practice.
Take a good look at this behaviour, as this is what the British public are wasting their money on! Foolhardy opinion such as this bucket of tripe!  How dare you!  Do you know who I am?!  I am PAUL BARFORD, ARCHHCHCHELLLGY MAN!  My sidekick NIGEL SWIFT will not be spoken to like this, either!

If you had any understanding in that tiny pellet of a brain you have, then you may eventually come to the conclusion that, we are the educated ones.  Therefore, we know best.  It's not a matter of Fascism, it's a matter of superiority through education.  Knowledge (Google) is power, and we hold ALL the power, Sonny!

I know, I know, you are going to mention the fact that I keep on failing that damned Arcchcllyyggyl degree, but I am educated in other areas.  My O level in home economics alone is enough to crush your puny knowledge.  Mummy was very proud of lil Pauly when I got that.  Oh, and Google of course. Love Google.

The conclusion is this:  Sit down, shut up and listen to our correct opinion.  Fascism?  You don't know the meaning of the word!

Paul Barford.

Monday, 27 October 2014

Beaubrummell destroys Paul Barford in conversation!?

How dare he!  I'll give him a bunch of fives!

And I quote:

I have permission from my local council to detect on the pasture I mention, and should I find anything that needs to be recorded I will contact my Finds Liaison Officer accordingly. 
People like you like to tar all detectorists with the same brush whilst conveniently ignoring how many wondrous items now reside in museums thanks to metal detectorists. 99% of drivers obey the Highway Code, should we ban cars because 1% do not? 
Pointless I know trying to ask someone like you to show any perspective. Give my regards to Sir Tony Robinson.
I tried so hard to flit around his answers here.  I'm the best at that.  Take a good look at this behaviour, because even though it might appear that Beaubrummell has got me hook, line and sinker here, I thought I'd break out the big guns.

My alter ego.  Nigel Swift.

Now, pay attention.  I know that maybe hard for someone with an intellect as low as yourself, but this is how it works.  I bring in my alias, and bully him with it, asking questions that could potentially get him in trouble, if I word them 'right'.  I do that a lot, you see.  I ask someone a question, and then take that information and spin it, so it looks like they said something else!

I'm so bloody clever.

Thankyou, Mummy for the great genes.  I'm not so sure about the finger up the bottom, but if it had to be done, it had to be done.

Now, if you look at the conversation, it looks like I won, which of course, is the most important thing. My Alias did its job right, and my ego is ensured.  Beaubrummell has decided to back down (or not put up with my devious shit) and Arceheheleogy man has defeated his foe once more!

And don't forget, people.  You must, MUST blame the PAS for everything at the end.  Most important.

I'm now going to celebrate my victory with a wang joust at Donna Yates' sultry poses.  Come here, you flaxen haired crevice!

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Why won't FLOS respond to Paul Barford!?

I DEMAND a explanation!  *stamps feet*

This is disgusting behaviour!  Do they not know who I am!?  I Know Donna Yates and Nigel Swift!  I'll have them all burnt for treason for this!

When I send an email, I absolutely deem myself important enough to warrant a immediate response.  Are they too stupid to realise this truth?  The FLOS (Finds Liaison officers) haven't responded to my mails for days now.

Take a good look at this behaviour!  For this is what the public are wasting our (Not mine - I live in Poland) money on.

Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Heritage action & Paul Barford

Uh oh.  The cats out of the bag.

It's long been known that I love to create multiple aliases online.  This gives me the absolute opportunity to dish out Archeo-punishment in multiple places, at multiple times!  I'm a man one man army, me, and I told you that you should keep an eye on Archeology man, didn't I?  It's not my fault that you don't have the intelligence to understand my simple commands.


However, it seems that someone has clocked onto the fact that Nigel Swift of Heritage action, and I are in actual fact the same person.  Damn.  There's no way I can get out of this one, either.  It's watertight.


I'm going to have to give Donna yates a ring I think.  She'll know what to do.  She's the Queen of multiple identities.

Some of you may think it's cowardly that I create dozens of identities, create blogs, and spy on forums!  Pah!  We wouldn't have won our wars without spies!  Take a good look at this behaviour, and you'll understand that I had no choice.  This is MY empire.  The Barford empire.

My coat of arms will have me digging a corpse to be gawked at, whilst Yates fondles my testicles.  Infact, I'm going to have to do a Barford just thinking about it!

Monday, 22 September 2014

Metal Detecting: Hurried Hoard Hoiking on "Club Dig"

Stop finding stuff!!

Take a good look at this behaviour!

When I first saw this picture, I thought the pot of coins was in actual fact a skull, and I nearly did a Barford all over the screen there and then.  To my dismay, it was only a hoard of coins...

It's times like these, that we need Archeology man to swoop in, and point the stick of justice, and save this piece of history from the cretins that....saved it?

I don't care that we wouldn't have known about this if they hadn't found it!  It's not fair!  I didn't fail my PHD in Archeologgoy 21 times just for these dumb-witted fools to come in and find much more history and heritage than I EVER have in my life!  IT'S NOT FAIR!  I don't CARE they contacted the FLO!

*stomp stomp stomp*

Mark my words, tekkies.....Archeology man WILL have his revenge...!

I'm all wound up now. I need to find that picture of Nigel Swift and Donna Yates wresting around newly dug skeletons.  Crack out the tissues.  This ones going to be in anger.

Paul Barford.

Friday, 19 September 2014

When is it ok to dig the dead from graves?

I had a very strange and annoying dream last night.

A ghost came to me, and asked me the question 'When is it OK to dig the dead from their graves?'

I pointed out to the unintelligent being, that Archeology comes before absolutely everything!  The idiot! What will the little kiddies have to gawp at in the museums, if us heroes of the earth don't rip these people from their graves?

The idiot then went onto say:

'But these people were placed here with respect and love - this is never ok.'

What absolute balderdash!  Foolish dream!  Love!?  Never heard of it!  Resepct!?  Who cares!  THE most important thing is what WE can learn about history from these sleeping bags of nothing.  Who cares that they were buried with respect?  They're not here anymore, and WE are.

I didn't study for that Archealllly degree for nothing, you know!  This stupid ghost wants me to reconsider all my efforts, just because of decency and respect!?  Utter trash!

Take a good look at this behaviour, for it is dreams like this that will become the ironic nail in the coffin of our beautiful art.

Paul Barford 

Monday, 15 September 2014

Down with the underclass!

How dare these Chav creatures from the tower blocks descend on their metal detectors like witches on brooms, and find more relevant history than I have ever found!  HOW DARE THEY! I didn't (try to x 10) complete that PHD for nothing you know!
The good 'ol days

I had a brilliant idea whilst sitting here scoffing quails eggs in my Polish mansion of lesser tax.  We should just round them up like the good 'ol boys did in the good 'ol days on the fox hunts back in 'ol Blighty.

Ah, good times.  We'd murder a few foxes, and get back home in time to scoff some crumpets, and jam, before heading out for a good 'ol game of naked leapfrog with the local church fraternity, and all their friends.  Never seen so many adults wanting to play leapfrog, though.

Very strange...

Anyway!  Back to the chavvy, disgusting metal detecting wielding scum that blight our countryside today.  How dare they!  We must get on our horses, and hunt them down like wild foxes!  We'll burn the metal detectors, and they'll see the fire for miles!

Take a good look at this behaviour, as these are the very people that are wasting the tax payers money, on the PAS and its associates.  Of course, my fellow upper-class chums won't be paying our tax for now.  Why should we?  WE are the educated ones, after all...

Me, David (Fu) Knell, Nigel Swift and Donna Yates.  What a team!

Baggsy on the horse behind Donna Yates.

Paul Barford.

Friday, 12 September 2014

I have become Archaeology man!

I told those damn tekkies I would have my revenge!  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'll swoop down from the trees as a metal detectorist finds a piece of treasure, and shout "TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT THIS BEHAVIOUR!' at them, until they bow down to my infinite knowledge.

This also gives me the opportunity to distance myself from that damn PHD I failed!  Ha!  No-one will question Archaeology man!

Other archeoloooggists like Donna Yates will wet their knickers as they see me swoop to a site, and register evidence correctly.  I'll become a hero!

Nigel swift will have a little shrine made for me in his bedroom.  This is going to be brilliant! FINALLY, I will be accepted by my peers...

I'll pull the PAS apart piece by piece with my bare hands.  I'll dig up peoples graves so people can gawp at them in museums.  The children will ask:  'Daddy?  How is it we can look upon these deceased people dug violently from their graves?  What Angel has allowed this?'

And he will reply...

Archeology Man, my Son.  Archeology man.

I'll relight my love life with Mrs Barford, dressed in my Archeology suit of saving.  She'll not be able to resist the digging might of Me, Archeology man!

I've warned you metal detectorists.  Over and over.  How dare you gather more historical evidence than me.  How dare you.  Now...the time has come...

Paul Barford

P.S Has anyone got any red tights they can lend me?  I split mine, bending down to pick up a biscuit.

Monday, 8 September 2014


If I had my way, I'd have these signs all over the world!  Down with this sort of thing!

A flag or a sign is a important commodity.  I mean, the great British empire was built upon planting flags everywhere.  After a good cup of tea, of course.

We should create our own arhchchllyly empire by plastering these signs over every field in blighty! Infact, the whole world!

No longer will the devious little pests undermine our educated efforts at restoring and registering history.  How dare they walk into a field with nothing more than a metal detector, and HOW DARE they do more to saving history than I have EVER done!

I haven't tried to crack that arhchckltlly degree over the past twenty years for nothing, you know!

One day...I will have my revenge.

Paul Barford

Thursday, 4 September 2014

Get rid of the PAS!

Down with this sort of thing!  Down with this behaviour!

The portable antiquities scheme is a complete waste of the UK taxpayers money.  Ahem, not that I live in the UK anymore...I chose to come to a much more spiffing place (where Areheaolgoygyg PHD's are a lot easier to get)

Anyway!  Waste of money.  How dare they set up a scheme that registers history, thus adding to the knowledge of UK history!  Delete it!

Take a good look at this behaviour.  How dare these metal detecting oafs find more related history than the purist archchchelellly community.  How dare they be more productive than us.  They don't even have a fake PHD!  Sorry, I mean PHD....!

Sunday, 31 August 2014

Paul Barfords likes and dislikes

Donna yates has inspired me once more with her Archeology blog.  The red headed Vixen has put a 'likes' and 'dislikes' section at the start of her blog:

I'm rather disappointed she didn't put 'fluffy handcuffs in there', as I would have done a Barford all over my screen then and there.  Oh well, I'll have to leave that one to her pictures and my imagination.

However, I have decided to share my likes and dislikes right here:


Donna Yates.  Nigel Swift.  Donna Yates and Nigel Swift covered in mud, wresting around our dug up corpses.  Paul Barford.  Dead bodies.  Museums.  Easy listening Jazz.  My cat.  My blog.  My opinion.

Dislikes:  METAL DETECTING!!!  The PAS (waste of money)  THAT DAMNED PHD IN ARCHELOGLGLGY.  Britain.  Anything that involves fun - Just ask Mrs Barford.  Tekkies.

So there you have it.  I shall add to this list when more pop into my head, as I'm sure you'd like to hear more about me.  On that note, I'm off to find the tissues.

Paul Barford.

Friday, 29 August 2014

The PAS close to a million objects found!

This is an obvious waste of the taxpayers money!  How dare they!  Take a good look at this behaviour...

One million objects saved from the earth, and registered thus adding to our knowledge of history.  How dare they!  Any person can pick up a metal detector and do this!  Even the public are invited to register their finds, without a metal detector!

I haven't failed my PHD in Archeaoaolalaolagy numerous times for any old person to go and find more stuff than me! THIS ISN'T FAIR!  Take a good look at this behaviour, as I will have my revenge portable antiquities scheme, or the 'PAS' to the illiterate.

Im so frustrated, Im going to go squeeze a bollock at Donna Yates.

Paul Barford.

Archaeologists digging up Battle of Hastings site!

Archaeologists digging up Battle of Hastings site!

Wonderful news.

I've been thwarted by the wig of disguise ala Donna Yates, and was quickly sent home to Warsaw with my tail between my legs.

This PHD is continuing to be bothersome.  So, I've devised a cunning plan more cunning than a fox with a tattoo on his backside that says 'Very cunning.'  I have found a number of websites that create fake diplomas.

Once I've purchased this, I can get in there and start digging up all those lovely dead bodies.  I can't wait to be the first to see them.  I may do a Barford right there and then.  And thern theres all the artifacts that will be kept away from those damn tekkies!  I'll be a hero back in my homeland.

Mrs Barford, warm up the plum jam.  I'm coming home!

Thursday, 28 August 2014

More mysteries at Stonehenge!

I was quaffing down quails eggs, when I came across this new information concerning Stonehenge.

New survey reveals mysteries at Stonehenge!


Stonehenge, perhaps the world's most famous neolithic monument, is like an iceberg, with unsuspected monuments now revealed beneath the surface. The discoveries have expanded the range of potential astronomical uses to which the builders could have used the mighty structure.

We need to get in there and dig the whole bloody lot up.  There will be plenty of dead people under there and my pants are humming at the prospect, and I may do a Barford all over my screen in excitement.

Of course, I have failed THAT DAMNED archaeological PHD on a number of occasions now, so I must find a way to get in there.  Mrs Barford has constructed a ginger wig for me, and I shall disguise myself as that hot piece of totty 'Donna Yates.'  Well, that's if I can stop my bollock from letting out some squeeze at the prospect.

I took a look at myself in that wig.  I'll be using it for my personal purpose from now on.

Paul Barford

Donna Yates - A constructive acheololoaogoist?

Ah, Donna Yates.  The Flaxon haired beauty.

Red of hair and a firey view of the archaeological process to boot.  Many in the archeological community can't stomach the woman, and even say she's two faced!  Pah!  I totally disagree, and support her method of reviewing digs, saying everything is brilliant, and then going back to slag those same people off on her (less important than mine) blog!

She's an angel in my eyes, and I'd take any opportunity to do a Barford all over her face if I got the opportunity.  Sometimes I send Mrs Barford out to Bingo, and happily pleasure myself with pictures of the red headed nimph, and pictures of perfect excavations.  I then shout BARFORD! as I reach my climax, and add to my important blog.  The perfect night in.

Paul Barford.