Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Heritage action & Paul Barford

Uh oh.  The cats out of the bag.

It's long been known that I love to create multiple aliases online.  This gives me the absolute opportunity to dish out Archeo-punishment in multiple places, at multiple times!  I'm a man one man army, me, and I told you that you should keep an eye on Archeology man, didn't I?  It's not my fault that you don't have the intelligence to understand my simple commands.


However, it seems that someone has clocked onto the fact that Nigel Swift of Heritage action, and I are in actual fact the same person.  Damn.  There's no way I can get out of this one, either.  It's watertight.


I'm going to have to give Donna yates a ring I think.  She'll know what to do.  She's the Queen of multiple identities.

Some of you may think it's cowardly that I create dozens of identities, create blogs, and spy on forums!  Pah!  We wouldn't have won our wars without spies!  Take a good look at this behaviour, and you'll understand that I had no choice.  This is MY empire.  The Barford empire.

My coat of arms will have me digging a corpse to be gawked at, whilst Yates fondles my testicles.  Infact, I'm going to have to do a Barford just thinking about it!

Monday, 22 September 2014

Metal Detecting: Hurried Hoard Hoiking on "Club Dig"

Stop finding stuff!!

Take a good look at this behaviour!

When I first saw this picture, I thought the pot of coins was in actual fact a skull, and I nearly did a Barford all over the screen there and then.  To my dismay, it was only a hoard of coins...

It's times like these, that we need Archeology man to swoop in, and point the stick of justice, and save this piece of history from the cretins that....saved it?

I don't care that we wouldn't have known about this if they hadn't found it!  It's not fair!  I didn't fail my PHD in Archeologgoy 21 times just for these dumb-witted fools to come in and find much more history and heritage than I EVER have in my life!  IT'S NOT FAIR!  I don't CARE they contacted the FLO!

*stomp stomp stomp*

Mark my words, tekkies.....Archeology man WILL have his revenge...!

I'm all wound up now. I need to find that picture of Nigel Swift and Donna Yates wresting around newly dug skeletons.  Crack out the tissues.  This ones going to be in anger.

Paul Barford.

Friday, 19 September 2014

When is it ok to dig the dead from graves?

I had a very strange and annoying dream last night.

A ghost came to me, and asked me the question 'When is it OK to dig the dead from their graves?'

I pointed out to the unintelligent being, that Archeology comes before absolutely everything!  The idiot! What will the little kiddies have to gawp at in the museums, if us heroes of the earth don't rip these people from their graves?

The idiot then went onto say:

'But these people were placed here with respect and love - this is never ok.'

What absolute balderdash!  Foolish dream!  Love!?  Never heard of it!  Resepct!?  Who cares!  THE most important thing is what WE can learn about history from these sleeping bags of nothing.  Who cares that they were buried with respect?  They're not here anymore, and WE are.

I didn't study for that Archealllly degree for nothing, you know!  This stupid ghost wants me to reconsider all my efforts, just because of decency and respect!?  Utter trash!

Take a good look at this behaviour, for it is dreams like this that will become the ironic nail in the coffin of our beautiful art.

Paul Barford 

Monday, 15 September 2014

Down with the underclass!

How dare these Chav creatures from the tower blocks descend on their metal detectors like witches on brooms, and find more relevant history than I have ever found!  HOW DARE THEY! I didn't (try to x 10) complete that PHD for nothing you know!
The good 'ol days

I had a brilliant idea whilst sitting here scoffing quails eggs in my Polish mansion of lesser tax.  We should just round them up like the good 'ol boys did in the good 'ol days on the fox hunts back in 'ol Blighty.

Ah, good times.  We'd murder a few foxes, and get back home in time to scoff some crumpets, and jam, before heading out for a good 'ol game of naked leapfrog with the local church fraternity, and all their friends.  Never seen so many adults wanting to play leapfrog, though.

Very strange...

Anyway!  Back to the chavvy, disgusting metal detecting wielding scum that blight our countryside today.  How dare they!  We must get on our horses, and hunt them down like wild foxes!  We'll burn the metal detectors, and they'll see the fire for miles!

Take a good look at this behaviour, as these are the very people that are wasting the tax payers money, on the PAS and its associates.  Of course, my fellow upper-class chums won't be paying our tax for now.  Why should we?  WE are the educated ones, after all...

Me, David (Fu) Knell, Nigel Swift and Donna Yates.  What a team!

Baggsy on the horse behind Donna Yates.

Paul Barford.

Friday, 12 September 2014

I have become Archaeology man!

I told those damn tekkies I would have my revenge!  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'll swoop down from the trees as a metal detectorist finds a piece of treasure, and shout "TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT THIS BEHAVIOUR!' at them, until they bow down to my infinite knowledge.

This also gives me the opportunity to distance myself from that damn PHD I failed!  Ha!  No-one will question Archaeology man!

Other archeoloooggists like Donna Yates will wet their knickers as they see me swoop to a site, and register evidence correctly.  I'll become a hero!

Nigel swift will have a little shrine made for me in his bedroom.  This is going to be brilliant! FINALLY, I will be accepted by my peers...

I'll pull the PAS apart piece by piece with my bare hands.  I'll dig up peoples graves so people can gawp at them in museums.  The children will ask:  'Daddy?  How is it we can look upon these deceased people dug violently from their graves?  What Angel has allowed this?'

And he will reply...

Archeology Man, my Son.  Archeology man.

I'll relight my love life with Mrs Barford, dressed in my Archeology suit of saving.  She'll not be able to resist the digging might of Me, Archeology man!

I've warned you metal detectorists.  Over and over.  How dare you gather more historical evidence than me.  How dare you.  Now...the time has come...

Paul Barford

P.S Has anyone got any red tights they can lend me?  I split mine, bending down to pick up a biscuit.

Monday, 8 September 2014


If I had my way, I'd have these signs all over the world!  Down with this sort of thing!

A flag or a sign is a important commodity.  I mean, the great British empire was built upon planting flags everywhere.  After a good cup of tea, of course.

We should create our own arhchchllyly empire by plastering these signs over every field in blighty! Infact, the whole world!

No longer will the devious little pests undermine our educated efforts at restoring and registering history.  How dare they walk into a field with nothing more than a metal detector, and HOW DARE they do more to saving history than I have EVER done!

I haven't tried to crack that arhchckltlly degree over the past twenty years for nothing, you know!

One day...I will have my revenge.

Paul Barford

Thursday, 4 September 2014

Get rid of the PAS!

Down with this sort of thing!  Down with this behaviour!

The portable antiquities scheme is a complete waste of the UK taxpayers money.  Ahem, not that I live in the UK anymore...I chose to come to a much more spiffing place (where Areheaolgoygyg PHD's are a lot easier to get)

Anyway!  Waste of money.  How dare they set up a scheme that registers history, thus adding to the knowledge of UK history!  Delete it!

Take a good look at this behaviour.  How dare these metal detecting oafs find more related history than the purist archchchelellly community.  How dare they be more productive than us.  They don't even have a fake PHD!  Sorry, I mean PHD....!